Understanding kiwis and aussies


A true understanding of kiwis and aussies,  


why are the cuzzie bros lecking a convuct icksunt?

As the New Zealand yacht, skippered by an Aussie, finally prised the America’s cup from USA’s proud fingers, NZ must have known they would share the glory with their cousins across the ditch.

It is therefore a good time to ask if New Zullanders object to Australians sharing their glory and pinching their stars? I put this to Ellyshah and her Dad Tim, fresh from the long white cloud, both fairly open-minded about the local  good-natured habit of stealing heroes.

It appears that Aussies attract Kiwi visitors because they don’t take themselves too seriously. But we have things to learn from our weird-speaking cousins: Ellyshah said she grew up with the perception that Australians are larrikins and don’t work as hard as NZ people. Apparently it’s part of everyday conversation. “Don’t you Kiwis also love public holidays and barbecues?” I countered.

Every New Zullander is an ambassador who raises the humor and IQ of Australia.

Kiwi Father and daughter, Tum and  Ellysha share the Aussie Humor

Tim shot that one down: “If it wasn’t for your shockingly hot summers, more NZ folk would be over here taking your jobs.” (He thinks nothing of pouring concrete in minus 5 degree winter weather.)

“We joke about how Aussies only work if they really can’t get out of it,” continued Ellyshah.

Maybe if NZ had Australia’s barmy weather and its beaches, they might slow down a bit.

So I joked that their acksint was starting to rub off on me and that no respectable Australian would work in a bluzzard, least of all heppily pour concrate.

We Aussies did win one rugby game

and we were given no public holiday

Kiwis are med about rugby union because they are the bist in the world, and they tolerate league and crucket if they can’t git out of it,” said Tum.

Tum hedn’t funushed. “So when our rugby team slaughters the wallabies, or wannabies, would you believe thet heppy New Zullanders party all night long?”

Every New Zullander is an ambassador who raises the humor and IQ of Australia.

I muttered that if the Wallabies could win a game, our PM would probably declare a public holiday. (And we did win one game and there was no public holiday.)

“We always look for Aussies in NZ so we can take the muck out of thum,” continued Tum.

I could see it was all good natured stuff because Aussies and Kiwis particularly like to torment the poms. If the green and gold can’t win anythung, we’re heppy for our cuzzie bros to wun.

“If Aussies hed looked after its Indigenous bros like NZ looked after their Maoris, then thet would be marvellous,” said Tum. I couldn’t argue with thet. “But unfortunately we pempered the Maoris a bit too much,” said Tum. No danger of thet here said I.

So what about Edmund Hullury and Splut Unns, and Russell Crowe and Errol Flunn, and Kate Ceberuno. Aussies claim them all, even though they began life in NZ so does it annoy you? “Who is Errol Flunn and Kate Ceberuno and we don’t claim Russell Crowe, so you can hev hum,” Tum replied.

Tum’s next comment was a shock to my system but a credit to a concreter who got off a plane in tshirt and jandals in the muddle of wunter. “When someone leaves NZ and settles in Australia, it raises the IQ of both countries.”

At last the penny dropped. We can punch their movie stars and shear their sporting glory because we shear the same sense of humor, so long as we come together to dush it out on the Unglush.

About John
John started out as a cadet in 1970 at Bundaberg News Mail, continuing as a feature writer at Rockhampton Morning Bulletin, then began producing regular freelance articles for the Sunday Mail and New Idea. Later he took up science writing for Qld climate, water and soil scientists. Whimsical stories and humorous bush poetry is his current passion.

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